This is a phrase that my dad told me was a conversation topic today between him and my mom. She told him that they were in F. No context. Just that.
My dad, being the good husband, asked her for some context. She simply repeated what she had already stated--they were in F.
I know that dementia can be this way, where it's often an intense form of a guessing game.
After some digging, my dad found out she had meant to say that today was Friday.
Yes, yesterday was Friday. And in the spirit of that, I'm going to list some other F words that I'm in right now.
Feeble--My brain, and my heart are basically maxed out with this whole situation. I can only take so much. While I used to go spend hours with my parents ten years ago, I am having a much harder time bringing myself to do so. Yes, I see them every week for Knott's Berry Farm, but I used to visit with them sometimes multiple times a week--any time I was in the area...and I'm having a hard time doing that.
Fantastic--My daughter is growing up. She's only three and a half, but we've had some leaps and bounds break throughs in the last week, and I am finally starting to see a window into more joy being her mother can be. Today, for example, we spent the time before her nap playing tickle monster where I chased her in her room and tickled her. This is a small thing, but it's actually a big thing for me because a year ago, I could not see this sort of thing happening.
Frightened--The world has me frightened right now--separate of my small network and corner. I am not trying to fill myself with worry over things I don't have power to change, but it's hard to not get spun up when the data is bombarding you day and night.
Faithful--I attended a women's fellowship on Friday evening--I actually had to say a quick goodbye to my parents who were visiting so I could get to it. And we spent the whole hour and a half praying. I spent probably a half hour crying. I'm not one who likes to cry in public, but I felt safe enough to cry and not feel forced to explain what was bothering me. I exchanged a few words with people, but I didn't go there to really socialize so much. I just basically wrestled with everything I've swallowed and buried over the last year...and there has been a lot.
I have been listening to the song "Thy Will" by Ashley Diaz quite a bit this week. That, and my favorite hymn of all time--"It is Well with My Soul". These two songs have become a quiet reminder that whatever I am aching over is worth the toil and hardship. I'm not in control. I don't want to be.
I just want to have comfort that I'm not going to be stuck in this eternal feedback loop forever, because every lap I take is harder.
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